In Between – Existence & Eternity

and i am staring on the edge.. staring on the edge of this hopeless life i have lived..
i am standing on the edge.. everything i thought i knew.. i never knew what it was even living for..

i am standing on the edge.. thankful this second chance… to live this relive this life again..

standing on the edge.. i have done this all before.. i know i cant life the way i did last time..

standing on the edge.. dont know where to go from here.. stuck between the hopeles life i lived and the life i never knew..

standing on the edge.. stuck between this world and eternity.. wishing i could leave.. for there is nothing for me in this life anymore..

standing on the edge.. where do you go when you find the life you have searched for all your days..

standing the edge thankful for the second chance to live this life again..

standing on the edge.. in awe of the chance i have.. to live this life again.. to change eternity..

standing on the edge..  between of where i have been.. and with a chance to find the life i have been searching for all along……

standing on the edge. ceasing ever day.. how could i have lived so foolishly before..

chasing all my dreams.. married my sweetheart lived the LIFE of my dreams..

only left me broken and alone..as the waves of death washed over my cold heart..

in awe of the second chance i have.. i am standing on the edge.. the sweetest place in this universe.. to realize.. to have been given a second chance at life..

i am standing on the edge of everything i thought i knew before.. i am standing on the edge of the hopeless live ihave lived.. im standing on the edge of the life i never.. never dreamed never knew..

the perfect life i never got a chance to live.. i am standing of the edge of this world and reality.. where life meets eternity..

i am standing the edge between the life i never knew and the hopeless life ive lived

i am standing on the edge. of everything i knew for sure.. i am standing on the edge.. stuck between this world and reality.. stuck between what i see and what is real..
who i am and who ive been..

im standing on the edge. wishing longing waiting for something to be real..

stuck between the life ive lived and eternity. i am standing on the edge of the life i never knew.. the days i never lived.. the plan i never followed..
i am standing the edge. waiting for something to be real.

stuck between this hopeless fading world and the reality that wait.. for me.

for am standing the edge.. longing to feel more something deeper.. something great than this life..

standing on the edge.. all i know for sure.. is a cant live this way again. i never thought i never can do this all again.

im standing on the edge.. on a canyon all alone.. caught between the hopeless life i lived and the reality i never knew before.

how much longer must i wait.. for hope to be revealed.. for my real life to begin..

and im standing on the edge caught between reality and eternity..

knowing there is nothing for me from the human life i have already lived..

standing on the edge.. this body is my prison.. keeping me from the life i long to SEE.

standing on the edge of this life.. there is on better place in this life.. everybody longs to be..

standing on the edge..

to realize there is no fulfillment in this life.. that is what standing on the edge.. realizing there is nothing for me in this life..
nothing on the planet that will ever fill the desperate desire of my heart.. nothing this planet that willl ever satisfy the human heart..

when you realize this you are standing on the edge of this life.. searching for soemthing deep inside..
a whole inside the human heart that this world will never be able to fulfill..

so where do you go when you realize there is nothing on this planet that will ever satisfy you?? there is nothing on this planet that will ever make you truly happy? where do you go when you realize there is nothing on this planet that will ever fufilll the desperate longing of your heart…

this is the question every human being is faced with in life.. when they finally achieve their dreams.. when you have everything you could ever dream would make you happy in life..

when you have everythign this world can off.. but the emptiness in your heart still remains.. where do you go??

where do you go when you realize there is nothing that will satisfy the longing of your heart. the craving in every humans heart for something greater.. a desire for more..

as an eleven year old so small.. so young.. so unlearned. i had no answers.. even then i realized the hopelessness of this life..

the emptiness of that every human being experiences.. the emptiness that every human heart is so deeply and intimately acquianted with.. as human beings… especially as civilized adults.. we try to cover it and pretend everything is alright.. adults. the ones who are so concered with outward appeared the most incencere.. you never know the heart.. at least teenagers are very emotional..

when babies are born they are sincere.. their heart laid out for everyone to see… if they have a problem you will know about.. somehow as human beings live they lose that.. they feel like they have to act proper and cant be real.. so they mask their heart and pretend..

but somewhere deep down past the layers of rumble.. the layers of sediment that settle over the human heart.. WHIICH is REALLY PRIDE.. the desire TO BE IN CONTROL… not willling to admit how finite.. and insignificant one really is..

deep down beneath the layers of pride that harden and crust over the human heart.. there is an emptiness that every humam being is so intimately aquainted with.. no matter how high.. how exulted a human being is.. no matter how powerful they look or how much they seem happy and all together..

deep within the confines of every human heart lies this emptiness.. a sincere desire almost like a young child realizing how little.. and so small.. and unknowing.. willing to do anything.. find true purpose and meaning..  the character of ones inner self..

no matter how exulted how proud.. movie stars.. tom brady.. will smith.. barac oboma.. within every human being lies ones true inner self..

for many have tried to lose their inner self.. covering it with layer upon layer of the world.. they feel their inner self makes them look weak.. and finite..

they cant be famous.. they cant be in CONTROL with inner self.. afraid their inner self.. will make themselves look foolish or stop them from looking powerufl and IN CONTROL.. they bury their inner self deep within themselves..

oh how so many human beings have buried their inner self.. to look powerful.. to look important.. TO BE IN CONTROL.. to see more powerful.. To make themselves look bigger than anything else in the universe!!

but no matter how in control.. no matter how exulted.. how proud and arogent on may appear.. every human being has an inner self crying out like a baby for purpose and inner meaning of life..

the inner self cries for the creator like an infant cries for their mother.. its a cry so desperate.. so overwhelming.. that it overtakes you.. no matter what you are doing.. no matter where you.. its there.. stronger and more powerful than what ever you are doing..

stealing any kind of joy.. you may have from living the LIFE.. even when you are living in your mansion on the ocean shore line.. even when you marry the most beautiful girl in the world.. even when you have everything this world has to offer.. somewhere deep down inside.. you are never really satisfied..

you still expereience this deep agony.. this hopeless cry of your inner heart long for the one who made it.. the inner self is always there.. this desperate cry is the heart of every human being who has ever lived..

however many have layered so much pride and covered their inner self.. they dont even know where to find it.. its barried deep within the layers of PRIDE in their heart.. the layers of CEO.. having the DREAM life. BEING the KING of the castle.. having the MOST.. most beautiul wife.. so many human beings try to fill their hearts with lives pursuits.. spending an entire lifetime chasing these dreams.. trying to stuff so much into their that they can somehow get rid of or at least try to cover up their inner self..

many have succeed at numbing the pain.. with all kinds of drugs.. why are they so popular today.. alchohal.. relationships.. any high to give them relief at least for a momment

but all the world has to offer is a temproary high.. because the inner self craves so much more.. all the temorpary highs in this world are just a twisted messed up verse.. of what the human heart is really craving.. its like when you are hungry for a really GOOD steak.. you have coyote ..its still nourishment but it tastes terrible.. and is poisoness to the human body.. human beings cant eat coyote..

just the same all temporary highs are poisoness to ones inner self.. the more you go after the temporary highs of life..the deader you will feel.. you are numbing the pain.. but also creating layers of pain heart ache.. just like rock sedmiment covering ones inner self..

beacuse of the life of indulagne.. and seeking these temoporary highs.. most teenagers..  now by the age of 20 most human beings… have layered a lifetime of garbage over their hearts.. many dont know where to find their inner self..

if you ask many they feel as if they have lost their inner self completely.. they can no longer feel anymore.. i have been there and done that.. because when you start chasing the dream.. you  dont have time to listen to the innerself.. so you ignore it!!  you realize that if you want to pursue the dream.. if you want to live the life .. you dont have time to act like a little kid anymore.. if you want to be BIG in the WORLD somehow you have gott shake this longing of your heart within you.. you have to bury you inner self.. to be IN CONTROL..

sadly that is what most human beings do in life..

in order to be able to chase your dreams.. you must cover up your inner self.. to achieve success and to achieve the LIFE that is exactly what many have done burying their inner self so deep within them.. they can no longer even find or hear it.

many are just running aimlessly thorugh life. with a numbness so deep. a numbness so deep they cant even think anymore.. they are so unaware.. they cant feel often they wonder if they are even alive.(uncle DJ and aunt JUDY..)

truly they are not.. so many go through this life just existing.. because without ones inner self you cant really be alive at al.. barying ones self so deep inside you cant feel at all…

they are guided by building a bigger empire..

the inner self is ones inner compass the heart is the guiding navigating force of a human being.. without it you are hopelessly lost.

that haunted my every day… since i was 11 when my grandma died.. every day i woke up with this emptiness.. a whole in my heart.. a deep desire. a DESIRE So GREAT.. for a long time it dominated my life.. i was desperate to do anything to fill it or FORGET ABOUT it at aleast..

i remember the deep agony within my heart day after day.. sleep was the only relief i had.. for this constant hopelessness brooded over my heart.. making me contemplate the deep complexicities of life..

what is the point of life? i remember as a young boy being so overwhelmed.. so intimadated by the VASTNESS of the UNIVERSE.. and the finite.. temporalness of human beings.. seeing death steal my healthy great.. beautiful grandmother within only a few months.. sent shockwaves of fear rippling through my entire body as i pondered the human condition..

human life is so fraile so fragile.. i could die at any moment. i remember thinking.. how death totally and utterly terrified me.. a paralyzing fear.. that RAN my life.. it was all i could think of.. even while in school.. i remember one  this feeling of hopelessnes.. this paralyzing fear..pulsating so strongly thorugh my mind..

but there was something telling me

this time i wont waste it.. how could i spend my entire life.. satisfied with her.. how could i have wasted my entire life.. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
how awful.  I will spend all eternity with regret wishing i had lived differently wishing i could go back and live again..

why i dont know why.. my heart faints.. just thinknig about it.. i dont know why.. but you have given me another shot.. i dont know why nothing i did.. but i am here..

i have founded the life i have spent a lifetime searching for.. found the fulfillment i ahve been longing for my entire life!! its you baby..

you are my LIFE.. why am i still here.. why?? i found life.. this time!!

NOTHING FOR ME ON THIS PLANET.. i shouldnt still be here.. didnt you just send me back.. to find LIFE.. why am i stilll here.. i made enough mistakes last time.. never living  that way again.. i have alreadly lived this life.. i know the hopelessness.. the futility of it all like Solomon..
 

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